As I sat and pondered what my next blog post could be about, all I could think of was how much pain certain areas of my body are in. I haven’t had an accident, I am just not built for this weather.
I am a shabby woman. One that doesn’t particularly spend a lot of time on preening and polishing and picking perfect outfits. On a ‘well put together’ scale my average score is around 5.5/10 on a good day, but that could change depending on whether or not a button on my shirt is hanging on by a thread (which it was the other day, and subsequently fell off in a restaurant revealing my baps to the world). I can scrub up well, but those moments are infrequent and often still involve some kind of profuse sweating or ill-fitting underwear situation.
Summer is a time when I really suffer, and all for reasons as gross or as typical as the next. At present, after the sun has been trying to kill us for a few days, I have sunburn on my shoulders and legs which is making my skin feel like it will shatter if anyone touches it, I have severe chafing rash from being daring at the weekend and letting my thighs touch in a dress for the first time this year, my feet hurt from sweating in poorly constructed sandals, and this morning I woke up with a burning sensation in my armpit which has continued through the day. I can only assume it’s because the tap in my armpit, commonly known as the ‘sweat gland’ has been on a constant pissing spree for a couple of weeks.
I cannot comprehend how there are women out there who appear to be completely holding their shit together in the face of this steaming heatwave. How do they do it? How do they walk to work without looking like they’ve stepped directly out of a shower and into the office? I had sweat dripping into my eye before I even left the house this morning.
The whole smooth and sturdy look that some women have, is it taught, learnt, or innate? Do they have occasions where 99% of the underwear they’re wearing has been stashed away up an orifice, but decide not to mention it or make their discomfort obvious? Or do they just happen to have bodies which are exact replicas of the models their underwear was built on?
Is there anybody else out there who’s body feels like it’s slowly being melted down for glue by nature, or am I alone in this?
If you’re out there and you too are suffering, I’m here to tell you you’re not alone. You and that glorious sweaty face of yours are understood here, welcome to the ‘Community of Never Dry, Current population: 1’.
Any suggestions on how I can survive through this summer are most welcome. Please note: peeling my sunburnt skin off and starting again, duct taping my thighs apart, and walking around with my hands above my head are all ideas I’ve considered and decisively vetoed.
This post came from a result of “What am I thinking about?”, “What matters to me today?”, “How do I feel?”. It’s all good fun, isn’t it?
Fuck me, I need a cold shower and a naked starfish stat.