We now live in a culture where if we’re told we need to lose a few lbs, our instant reaction is “which company promises the most believable ‘skinny dream’ and deserves my money?”.
Gone is the rational ability to recognise that all we need to do to look after ourselves is to eat well and exercise more, and in it’s place lies our belief that the most expensive diet plan will make us thinner quicker.
It’s part and parcel of the world we live in, where impatience rules and clever advertising makes us assume money really will buy you happiness. Our diet and our health have fallen into the trap of our modern day thinking.
I’ve had many ups and downs with my weight during my lifetime, and have bought into a fair few of the quick fixes which vowed to make me thin with little effort. Due to this, The Fad Diet Diaries has been born, where I will document my experiences.
A few years ago, Protein World seemed to burst out of nowhere and managed to spread their reach by endorsing almost every person that had ever been in a reality TV show to share their miracle weight loss product on Instagram. You couldn’t open social media without seeing someone somewhere buying into the hype. And buying into the hype is where I found myself, when I handed over my card details in exchange for their ‘premium weight loss package’.
I received a humongous tub of their Slender Blend powder, in vanilla as I’d chosen, a shaker, some tablets to suppress hunger, and some tablets promising to burn that fat right off me. I was instructed to drink the shakes in the place of two meals every day, and to make my third meal something healthy to round off the day.
I can distinctly remember the effects the fat burners had on me. I don’t think I’ve ever sweated so much in my life. Whilst sat at my desk at work, I’d have sweat pissing from every pore on my body, I had the shakes, my heart felt like it was beating too fast, and my stomach churned. I felt bloody awful. “Burning loads of fat though, ent I?” I proudly declared through internal howling.
On first sip, the shakes were pleasant enough. I don’t even like milkshake, but I got involved with Protein World because I wanted to be thin, thin beyond my wildest dreams! I sucked it up, swallowed it down, and ignored the consequences.
That bit about me not liking milkshake? I also have a really sensitive gag reflex in the morning. Nothing starts your day better than heaving through a thick creamy liquid before the sweat and shakes of the fat burners kick in. “I feel fantastic!” I lied, quietly desperate for something to chew on.
The worst part of the vanilla shakes is how your body really does absorb that flavour when there’s no other flavour going in. It absorbs it, and it kicks it right back out again, via the back end.
Farts which smell like vanilla shake.
Farts which smell like vanilla shake, while you’re heaving through a vanilla shake in the morning, whilst trying to ignore the fact that your farts smell like what you are putting in your mouth and trying to swallow at the same time.
You might not have the same experience, I’m sure taking on this routine when I have IBS added even more “the fuck you doin’?” to my situation. But honestly. That smell and that taste became unbearable.
Towards the end of my ability to stomach it any further, I took a shake into work to have for lunch. Being the dickhead I am, I took it in a thermos flask rather than my designated shaker, and when I tried to combine powder with milk it looked like someone had eaten a box of chalk and thrown it back up into the vessel carrying my lunch.
No, I did not chow down on that.
I lasted about two weeks on the liquid shakes with the physical shakes the package caused. In that time I was also exercising as often as I could stand up long enough for, as I constantly felt like I was going to pass out due to my body being empty.
Total weight lost: 7lbs
Not bad for two weeks of feeling like absolute shit. Guess how long that weight stayed off for? About half an hour, because eating a normal amount of food makes the lbs pile back on after putting your body into a malnourished state of shock like that.
Do I recommend Protein World: Lol no
Would I do it again: Not even if you paid me and gave me a spare bowel